you would hold my hand

My heart is off in different places and starting to hit that mid-winter "blah." All thanks to God for sustaining me through the compilation of the Annual Report this past weekend. It is now up on the web. One of my pastors had pity on me and let me have some comp time and go home early today, another great gift.

I went to visit some friends across town. I forgot my phone (makes a person feel quite vulnerable) but set out to see them to bring them a letter. Then I got there and they said "Thanks for your letter!" because I had already sent them a copy in the mail. I guess I had forgotten this. Because they are flying far away tomorrow and needed a few things, I offered to go to target for them and they let me have the joyful honor of serving them in this way. They loaned me a phone while I went to the store. After I returned to give them their new items, I said goodbye and headed home. Remembered halfway home that I forgot to give them the phone back. So had to go take it back. If my head were not attached... you know what they say. The Lord cared for me through my absent-mindedness and I enjoyed seeing my friends, which is actually what I really wanted to do.

Sometimes we go down a path intending to do one thing and through that first step, He leads us to a new goal. This is what is happening in my life a lot these days.

In the silences of my life these days I am making notes in my head for the future. I see something that I remember that I like or dislike and I am trying to pause to remind myself what these things are before the moment slips by without a second thought. Too often I forget things and feel like I am starting again from scratch every time I make a decision. This attempt to slow down and remember things is like sticking post-its all over my brain to be filed for next year or next season or next chapter. "This kind of sandwich is really good." "Staying up late on a work night is not a good idea." "This chapter brings me great hope." "Going without lunch makes me feel more stressed out later."

So here is one brain post-it: I am continually thankful for the ministry of the worship band Enter the Worship Circle. When my heart starts to get discouraged in late January, I ought to preach to myself through seasons of good worship music and turn my eyes to the Lord for encouragement. Enter the Worship Circle has aided me in seeking my joy in God today.

How You Forgive Me
(Ben Pasley, CCLI Registered)

Sometimes I’m afraid of you…you are just too good

Sometimes I am scared to look at you…

You are just too beautiful

I am frightened by the notion that you would hold my hand…

Have you witnessed my devotion?

Have you seen what I hold on to?

How you forgive me,
How you forgive me Jesus

Sometimes I’m afraid of you…you are just to kind
Sometimes I am scared to pray…you are just to merciful
I am frightened by the notion that you would hold my hand…
Have you witnessed my devotion? Have you seen what hold on to?

You take away the pen writing out my every sin, and
You burn the book of my rebellion
You tear the pages holding everything that I regret
How You forgive me, Jesus

overload

I'm having one of those days where the complexity of my ever-increasing church community is overloading me. I'm also continually thankful for all the complexity, challenges, and sufficient grace found in Jesus, yet feeling small and overwhelmed and confused about where to invest my time. Yes, my identity does not come from all the things I fill my time, but from God in Christ. Learning what that looks like in the present moment is a struggle today. I am missions-interested with directional questions. I am an artistically-inclined being who processes information through a series of visual forms. His hope and longing comes to me through music. I am striving for racial harmony. I am fighting for the sanctity of life. I am trying to build relationships that nourish.

This week I had to talk to some manipulative (hidden-agenda) people who left me feeling yucky and used and disappointed. I have to keep reminding myself that this is preparing me for something bigger, something future, shaping me for eternal things, and that it is not a senseless trial to frustrate me. May Christ be magnified, even when I get put in situations where things do not turn out to be what they seem. May God have mercy on me when I get angry and impatient that he has not returned yet and that I have to face this. Lord, give me joy and strength.